LINGUIST List 14.1102

Mon Apr 14 2003

All: Takeover Bid Gains Momentum...

Editor for this issue: Richard John Harvey <>


  1. linguist, Retaliation Takeover Bid Gains Momentum - Only $7,770.43 Needed!
  2. linguist, ASK PERCIVAL - A New Service from LINGUIST Cook Online
  3. linguist, *** Poetry Corner ***
  4. linguist, How to Donate and the LINGUIST List Hall of Fame

Message 1: Retaliation Takeover Bid Gains Momentum - Only $7,770.43 Needed!

Date: 14 Apr 2003 18:44:34 -0000
From: linguist <>
Subject: Retaliation Takeover Bid Gains Momentum - Only $7,770.43 Needed!

		*** MaLingua 2003 ***
		 14th April 2003

~To read MaLingua online, and see the photos, visit:

Retaliation Takeover Bid Gains Momentum

Only $7,770.43 Needed!

The news reaching the MaLingua offices is that the Moderators are
increasing their support in their Retaliation Takeover bid, and they
have nearly raised the $50,000 needed to get LINGUIST List back on its
feet and operating properly.

This morning, The LINGUIST List Loyals released a press statement
detailing the new figures. They tell us that they have secured the
help and generous support of 1,028 donors, which represents a 6%
market share of the much fought after Linguistic Subscriber sector of
the market that encapsulates over 17,000 individuals. As we go to
press the moderators only need $7,770.43 to reach their target.

The moderators have also been very successful in securing new
supporters to the cause. And in true academic style, the ousted
LINGUIST List is offering a commitment to pedagogy second to none that
seems to be drawing the crowd. The LINGUIST List
Editor-In-A-Chieftain-Tank Karen Milligan had this to say: "We have a
lot of new recruits, which can only be good for the discipline of
linguistics. We've been working on catching them when they are young,
because once they are exposed to prescriptive grammar it is so much
harder to convert them." Milligan also added "The latest batch of new
LINGUIST Loyals are the quickest learners that we have ever had. We
hope to have them programming by the end of the week."

These new LINGUIST editors are hoped to replace the old ones who have
gone over to LINGUIST Cook Online, bribed by juicy share options and
better working conditions.

In the meantime, the situation in the newly refurbished LINGUIST Cook
Online kitchens is one of determination. Since Friday they have
barricaded themselves in and have successfully made a stand against
most attempts to break into the offices by the moderators. However,
MaLingua can exclusively reveal that certain LINGUIST List Loyals have
tunnelled into Dr. Aristar-Dry's old office and have been causing
havoc with the FVPN (Food is Very Profitable Network) subsiduary. One
of the more annoying marketing techniques of LINGUIST Cook Online is a
never-ending barrage of pop-up windows that slow down browsers and
generally block the view on anything and everything. The LINGUIST List
Loyals have desperately been trying to remove these nasty pieces of
commercial avaricity but for every one they get rid of, two more pop
up. They certainly have made the job of the LINGUIST Cooks much more
difficult. Some of the tactics employed include putting shoe polish in
the dish washer, blocking delivery of supplies for The MaLingua
Midnight Cafe, and changing the labels on spice jars.

The LINGUIST Cook Online chefs, however, have stated that they are
more determined than ever! Prashant Nagaraja, Dessert Chef, told us
via satellite phone that they have the full backing of FVPN and that
they have blocked off the corridors to the English department with
sacks of Idaho Spuds. In an impassioned interview he said "I have a
meat tenderizer and I'm not afraid to use it! Both Iron Chef Chen and
I are highly trained in the art of Kitchen Kombat - you should see
what Chen can do with a set of chopsticks!"

News from FVPN HQ supports this. Dr. P.C. Ival's spokeskitty and evil
sidekick Mini Meow told us that they have a number of plans to get
supporters back on their side. He told us "We are revamping one of the
old LINGUIST List favorites Ask-A-Linguist, but now it has a twist of
lemon...we are calling it Ask-Percival (see opposite) and it's bound
to bring people over as the answers are so much more smarter.


Get rid of nasty pop-ups and restore LINGUIST List...

Donate NOW:

For information on how to donate, see the last message in this issue
or visit:

The moderators and LINGUIST Loyals thank you for your support...

Mail to author|Respond to list|Read more issues|LINGUIST home page|Top of issue

Message 2: ASK PERCIVAL - A New Service from LINGUIST Cook Online

Date: 14 Apr 2003 18:57:57 -0000
From: linguist <>
Subject: ASK PERCIVAL - A New Service from LINGUIST Cook Online

~To read MaLingua online, and see the photos, visit:

Ask-Percival: A New Service from LINGUIST Cook Online

Ask-A-Linguist, Ask-A-Linguist-Cat, Ask-Percival, it's all the same,
isn't it? Besides, at least I answer your questions. For future
reference, though, at least think of something a bit more challenging
to answer. My favorite topics are naps, food, and myself.

Q: Is it truly possible to raise children to be bilingual?

Percival: I have often wished that I had been born bilingual! It is
an undisputed asset in this world, and I have often wondered why more
parents don't take this into account when they decide to have
children. Why, if I were bilingual, my daily cleaning would take half
the time it does now. Not to mention the added gusto to my meals, and
I'm sure the dinner conversation would be incredibly interesting.
Questions do come to mind, though, as to where a second 'tongue' would
be housed. There just doesn't seem to be any room. I suppose you
would have to be born with at least one, just to know how it works,
but where exactly is the second tongue? Also, how does one learn to
work with a second tongue? Would I get confused as to which tongue to
use in which circumstance? Alas, these questions and much more arise
from the question of bilinguals, but I think they must be best
answered by those linguists. From my viewpoint, if the mother has a
tongue and the father has a tongue, there is no reason why the
children can't be born with two tongues. Freakish to some, but I find
bilinguals to be quite interesting. And what kissers!

Q: I've read that 'whom' is dropping out of English. Do you have an
opinion on this?

Percival: Well, now I've heard everything. You humans don't know what
you have until you lose it. If you ask us cats, that voiced bilabial
nasal you added onto the end of the word was the best move you could
have made. We cats have known for years that it is the one consonant
worth having -- just look at what it did for 'who.' It took a
perfectly common, bird-like word and gave it a certain posh air, a 'je
ne sais quoi', that reminds us of beautiful things like aristocracy,
snobbery, and Fancy Feast being served from crystal. Why do you think
it is incorporated in every word I know? But I digress. The question
is English. In any case, I am saddened by the demise of the voiced
bilabial nasal appended to the word 'who.' I just hope it doesn't
mean that there will be no more cat food served on crystal.

Q: Can you help me with my homework for Intro to Linguistics for

Percival: No, stupid.

Q: Do you have any advice for young kittens who aspire to have a
career as a linguist cat?

Percival: Well, although not everyone is born with the wit, charm, and
fiendish business savvy that is required for this highly sought-after
job, I can tell you that not much else is necessary. There are a few
things, though, that helped me beat out the peons and get to the top.
First of all, you must be photogenic. So many poor kitties were left
behind in the dust because they sat there stunned by the bright lights
and attention. Second of all, don't chew on the computer wires. I
know they look quite tasty and interesting, but I've lost many a
comrade in the jungles of the computer room. Finally, always conspire
to take over LINGUIST List in some back-handed fashion whenever you
can. Although this is not necessary, it certainly is fun to watch
those linguists run around looking for donations. As for now, I must
be leaving. I'm almost late for my manicure. If you guys donated
more of your money, I could possibly afford a pedicure as well, hint


Help the Moderators get LINGUIST back to normal!

Donate Now:

For instructions on how to donate, see the last message in this issue
or visit:

Get rid of pop-ups!

Mail to author|Respond to list|Read more issues|LINGUIST home page|Top of issue

Message 3: *** Poetry Corner ***

Date: 14 Apr 2003 18:54:19 -0000
From: linguist <>
Subject: *** Poetry Corner ***

~To read MaLingua online, and see the photos, visit:

*** Poetry Corner *** 
>From a Subscriber (with no apologies)

April is the cruelest month...
Getting and spending we lay waste our powers,
Yet LINGUIST tells us to give what is ours!

Anyone lived in a pretty how town
with up so many pop-ups around
That I can't find the LINGUIST site.
It's just fund drive messages day and night.

So, LINGUIST, I have this to say,
"Gather donations while ye may,
Old time is still a'flying.
But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
April passes into May.
Even Fund Drive must end some day." 


Help the moderators get rid of LINGUIST Cook Online...

Donate Now:

For instructions on how to donate, see the next message or visit:

Thank you for the support.

Mail to author|Respond to list|Read more issues|LINGUIST home page|Top of issue

Message 4: How to Donate and the LINGUIST List Hall of Fame

Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 14:55:04 +0000
From: linguist <>
Subject: How to Donate and the LINGUIST List Hall of Fame

The LINGUIST List is under the umbrella of Eastern Michigan University
and as such can receive donations through the EMU Foundation, which is
a registered 501(c) Non Profit organization. Our Federal Tax number
is 38-6005986. These donations can be offset against your federal and
sometimes your state tax return (U.S. tax payers only). For more
information visit the IRS Web-Site, or contact your financial advisor.

Many companies also offer a gift matching scheme, such that they will
match any gift you make to a non-profit organization. Normally this
entails your contacting your human resources department and sending us
a form that the EMU Foundation fills in and returns to your employer.
This is generally a simple administrative procedure that doubles the
value of your gift to LINGUIST, without costing you an extra
penny. Please take a moment to check if your company operates such a


You can make a contribution by selecting one of three convenient
payment methods: secure credit card form, check, or wire transfer.
You can also PLEDGE your support to LINGUIST and pay later, i.e. send
in a check. Also, if you do not want to use a credit card, but wish to
pay in a currency other than US Dollars, you can donate via our
European bank account held in Switzerland. See below for details:


Please make checks payable to 'The LINGUIST List Editorial Support
Fund'. The address is:

The LINGUIST Editorial Support Fund
Department of English Language and Literature
612 Pray Harrold
Eastern Michigan University
MI, 48197

For details on how to transfer funds by wire, please contact LINGUIST
at the address Both an American and a
European bank account are available.

If you would like to make a pledge of support, please go to:

If you have already pledged to LINGUIST and would now like to pay by
credit card, please go to:

and select 'PAY PREVIOUS PLEDGE' as the Type of Payment from the 
dropdown list provided.


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