LINGUIST List 14.1067

Thu Apr 10 2003

All: LINGUIST List Taken Over - MaLingua Exclusive

Editor for this issue: Richard John Harvey <>


  1. linguist, 'LINGUIST List' Now 'LINGUIST Cook Online' - Hostile Takeover
  2. linguist, How to Donate and the LINGUIST List Hall of Fame

Message 1: 'LINGUIST List' Now 'LINGUIST Cook Online' - Hostile Takeover

Date: 10 Apr 2003 02:28:05 -0000
From: linguist <>
Subject: 'LINGUIST List' Now 'LINGUIST Cook Online' - Hostile Takeover

		*** MaLingua 2003 ***
		 10th April 2003

~To read MaLingua online, and see the photos, visit:

'LINGUIST List' Now 'LINGUIST Cook Online' - Hostile Takeover


Shocking news has reached the desks of MaLingua that will impact not
only the discipline of linguistics, but the business world as well!
The LINGUIST List, for years a staple of the linguistic community, has
been taken over by the Food is Very Profitable Network (FVPN) in a
hostile share deal that will make millions for the company, but will
leave academics everywhere dry-mouthed and undernourished. The new
company will be marketed as LINGUIST Cook Online.

A surprised Wall Street is still trying to recover from the
astonishing deal that was announced at the start of this morning's
trading - but the general feeling is one of euphoria at the serious
bundles of cash that will be made in the next few days. Forecasts are
off the charts and the projected turnover for the next year is so much
that the MaLingua office calculator started to smoke.

Questions have been raised as to how such a large acquisition could
have happened without any leaks. The official statement released by
FVPN is that disgruntled graduate students at LINGUIST, annoyed with
the draconian working conditions and a diet of bread and water, were
easily swayed by the offer. Loyalty was secured and secrecy assured
and the team pulled together in a midnight swoop on the moderators,
leaving the crestfallen leaders of LINGUIST powerless to resist the
move. FVPN already owns three of the largest publishing houses, four
national and eight regional television stations, six digital radio
stations; and this is just in America. Via their two custom made power
satellites FVPN provides the world with a plethora of food and drink
related programming that is second to none.

Many analysts are saying that this is the final step in a ten-year
crusade by the network to position themselves as the world leader in
the Food Information sector. The takeover will bolster the one area in
which FVPN has not made an impact: the Food Metadata Digitization
quarter of the market. Gayathri Sriram, FVPN's chief technical
consultant said that "the dot com era was over, dead, finished! With
this exciting move, we have spiced up the markets into a dot 'come
again'." Sriram informed us that LINGUIST Cook Online will take full
advantage of the technology developed by LINGUIST List, especially the
dynamic web architecture to deliver recipes and cooking tips to the
kitchens of the world. She also told us a lot of other technical stuff
that we didn't understand.


MaLingua can exclusively reveal that this recipe for success is not as
well mixed as it sounds. A variety of sources have informed us that
this pot-luck stinks of insider deals, backhanders and unsavory
ingredients. We have learned that the Department of Justice Anti-trust
division has been investigating this and a number of other deals
involving FVPN, dating back to 1997. Enquiries have centered on the
dynamic and megalomaniac head of the network, Dr. P.C. Ival. As
always, Dr. Ival was not available for comment; his reclusive nature
has often been a cause for rumors. But we are told that in order to
secure this deal, many a brown envelope containing lots of cash and
raw linguistic data has been passed 'under the table' to high ranking
linguists around the world. Dr. Ival's international-wide government
connections are also very strong - his influential daily newspaper in
Britain The Sun Ripened Tomato was crucial for the success of the
current leadership to gain power; in France he publishes the well
respected Le Monde de la Cuisine; in Germany his Die Welt des Kochens
carries much political weight; and of course in America The Cooking
Post is the favorite read of many a representative on Capitol
Hill. This strange and hermit-like individual is steering the course
of Food Information wealth directly to the well stocked vaults of
FVPN's bank account.


MaLingua, after months of research into P.C. Ival, can exclusively
report the true identity of this tyrannical ruler. After months of
crack investigative journalism, our highly trained team has uncovered
a conspiracy that will rock the discipline of linguistics, shake the
foundations of scientific enquiry and send shockwaves though the
economic infrastructure of the global economy that FVPN dictates. The
real person behind P.C. Ival is not a person at all - he's a cat! And
not just any cat, but Percival The LINGUIST List Cat

This one-time mastermind behind the LINGUIST project disappeared about
six weeks ago, much to the distress of the moderators and student
crew, leaving a message that he'd had enough and needed a holiday. As
it turns out the postcards that he sent from around the world were
just cover stories for the real purpose of his travels: pulling
together a consortium of the world's richest fat-cats to raise the
cash he needed to implement his takeover plans.

Everyone at LINGUIST was fooled. For years Percy has been directing
LINGUIST towards the goal of gentle academic achievement, when in
truth behind the scenes he was running the most powerful collection of
cooking enthusiasts ever known; his sole aim for LINGUIST List was to
turn it into the Premier Web Portal for Cooking Data in the world. The
moderators were so convinced by Percival's lies that they even went to
the extent of hiring a private detective to chase the delinquent
super-brain all around the world in the hope of catching him and
bringing him back. Percy was always one step ahead of his captors,
however, and somehow managed to sneak his way back to LINGUIST List HQ
in time to oversee the conversion to LINGUIST Cook Online. See Steve
Moran's brilliant MaLingua Photo Journalism at:

The future of LINGUIST Cook Online and FVPN is uncertain, but we know
that the moderators in a last-ditch attempt to recover the List to its
rightful seat of excellence in academia have mounted a Retaliation
Takeover bid, and are currently seeking out friendly, good-natured
linguists to make donations towards the campaign. So far they have
raised $38,346.57 - a staggering amount considering the avaricious
nature of the opposition. They still need another $11,653.43 if they
are to reach the $50,000 needed to overcome the corporate giant FVPN
and its nasty feline mastermind P.C. Ival. Helen Aristar-Dry and
Anthony Aristar are optimistic; they hope that if control can be
regained Percival can be sent to a rehabilitation center for
megalomaniacal-inclined kitties so he can come back to work and
LINGUIST can return to normal. To help, visit:

MaLingua, as always, will keep you posted of further developments with
this story.



As our reporters found out, in the LINGUIST offices work has already
started to appropriately embrace the new challenge of LINGUIST Cook
Online. Two out of three offices have been equipped to serve as
kitchen units in order to test new recipes, and a ramp is being
constructed to reach the sixth-floor window of the third office that
was remodelled as a drive-through. The departmental lounge has been
changed into a cosy "LINGUIST Cafe", where junior student editors who
so far had to work for LINGUIST as unpaid volunteers can now earn
their way through college by waiting on tables. "I'm thrilled,"
admitted Sobha Siripurapu, "This is the first dollar bill I've seen
since I started working for LINGUIST. I'm gonna keep it forever!" The
menu is full of simple, yet nourishing and sophisticated dishes, which
have already achieved legendary fame among linguists worldwide. In
recognition of the great market demand, some of the recipes were
published in the form of a book under the title "The LINGUIST List
Cookbook", available from LINGUIST List Publishing Services.

Other student editors are also excited about the prospect of earning
real money and are very enthusiastic about their new career
path. Richard John Harvey, the former LINGUIST financial manager, now
maitre d' of the Cafe, expressed his hopes in the following words:
"There is almost certainly a probability of a promise that we'll at
least be able to regularly afford a box of donuts for the weekly
meeting, a luxury that so far has been out of our financial reach."

The development of the new business takes a great deal of devotion and
perseverance, features that, fortunately, are not scarce among the
crew. When asked about plans for the future, Zhenwei Chen told our
reporters through the clouds of steam that filled the LINGUIST C
office that he is currently preparing to enter the Iron Chef contest
and is determined to win. "Improvisation and quick reaction to
critical situations became my second nature after I worked as a
programmer for LINGUIST. The hardest part was learning to juggle the
knives." However, sometimes their dedication to the cause is stronger
than their civil obedience: editor Prashant Nagaraja was recently
arrested for attempted smuggling of large quantities of Indian spices
into the US. His official representative Lakshmi Narayanan managed to
ensure his release soon afterwards in exchange for a secret apple pie
recipe not published in the cookbook; however, the batch was lost in
the hands of a greedy immigration officer, a fact that compelled the
LINGUIST dry goods supply manager Tomoko Okuno to devise an
alternative delivery route through Japan to avoid similar incidents.

It seems that only the former moderators Helen Aristar-Dry and Anthony
Aristar cannot accept the new order. According to the reports of
student editors, they refused to have anything to do with LINGUIST
Cook Online, and, to lend weight to their opposition, decided to start
a protein-only diet as a sign of protest. "They will sit there and
just look at the donuts," commented James Yuells, glancing fearfully
around, "It's really creepy." Marisa Ferrara, through a mouthful of
cheese tortellini that she was just testing, could not agree more: "We
decided to cook all carbohydrate-charged dishes from the cookbook and
lock them in a room with Helen and Tony. The sooner they accept the
situation, the better." When approached for a comment, Anthony Aristar
loomed menacingly and, waving a German sausage at our reporter, said
only: "We'll see who gets to order the dessert."

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Message 2: How to Donate and the LINGUIST List Hall of Fame

Date: Thu, 10 Apr 2003 00:05:20 +0000
From: linguist <>
Subject: How to Donate and the LINGUIST List Hall of Fame

Help the LINGUIST Moderators recapture the site and get back to
normal. They need $50,000 to do it.

The LINGUIST List is under the umbrella of Eastern Michigan University
and as such can receive donations through the EMU Foundation, which is
a registered 501(c) Non Profit organization. Our Federal Tax number
is 38-6005986. These donations can be offset against your federal and
sometimes your state tax return (U.S. tax payers only). For more
information visit the IRS Web-Site, or contact your financial advisor.

Many companies also offer a gift matching scheme, such that they will
match any gift you make to a non-profit organization. Normally this
entails your contacting your human resources department and sending us
a form that the EMU Foundation fills in and returns to your employer.
This is generally a simple administrative procedure that doubles the
value of your gift to LINGUIST, without costing you an extra
penny. Please take a moment to check if your company operates such a


You can make a contribution by selecting one of three convenient
payment methods: secure credit card form, check, or wire transfer.
You can also PLEDGE your support to LINGUIST and pay later, i.e. send
in a check. Also, if you do not want to use a credit card, but wish to
pay in a currency other than US Dollars, you can donate via our
European bank account held in Switzerland. See below for details:


Please make checks payable to 'The LINGUIST List Editorial Support
Fund'. The address is:

The LINGUIST Editorial Support Fund
Department of English Language and Literature
612 Pray Harrold
Eastern Michigan University
MI, 48197

For details on how to transfer funds by wire, please contact LINGUIST
at the address Both an American and a
European bank account are available.

If you would like to make a pledge of support, please go to:

If you have already pledged to LINGUIST and would now like to pay by
credit card, please go to:

and select 'PAY PREVIOUS PLEDGE' as the Type of Payment from the 
dropdown list provided.


The LINGUIST List Hall of Fame

ANGELS ($1000 and over)

 Blackwell Linguist List Plus
 European Language Resources Association
 John Benjamins
 Natural Language Processing Group, Microsoft Research
MAINSTAYS ($100 to $1000)
 Adam Werle
 Akira Yamamoto
 Andrea Schalley
 Andrew Carnie
 Arienne M. Dwyer
 Arnold M. Zwicky
 Barbara H. Partee
 Benny Lee
 Bernard Comrie
 Bernard Spolsky
 Bernd S. Mueller
 Billy Clark
 Brent de Chene
 Carlota Smith
 Carolyn Hartnett
 Catherine Walter
 Colin Phillips & Andrea Zukowski
 Dan Slobin
 David Lebeaux
 David Parkinson
 Department of Linguistics, Rice University
 Department of Translation and Philology (Linguistics Section), Universitat Pompeu Fabra
 Dipika Mukherjee
 Donna Christian
 Dr. MJ Hardman
 E. Wayles Browne
 Earl M Herrick
 Elaine J. Francis, Alexander L. Francis
 Elizabeth D. Liddy
 Elizabeth Riddle
 Elliott Moreton
 elly van gelderen
 Ernest N. McCarus
 Esther Herrera Zendejas
 Gerardo Augusto Lorenzino
 Gregory D. S. Anderson
 Haihua Pan
 Heike Behrens
 Herbert Stahlke
 Irmengard Rauch and Gerald F. Carr
 James J.Jenkins
 Jean Ann and Bruce Peng
 jeanette gundel
 John Kingston
 John Lawler
 Julie Auger
 Karl Heinz Wagner
 Keren Rice
 Kevin R. Gregg
 Laura Wagner
 Laurel Watkins
 Linda Rashidi
 Linda Thornburg, Klaus Panther
 Linguistic Society of Hawai'i
 Linguistics Department - Cornell University
 Lisa Galvin
 Ljiljana Progovac
 Margaret Winters and Geoff Nathan
 Marianna Pool
 Mark Sawyer
 Martin Haspelmath
 Mary Harper
 Michael Hess
 Michael Silverstein
 Michael Swan
 Monica Macaulay, Joe Salmons
 Natasha Warner
 Pam and Allen Munro
 Patrick Chew
 Paul Chapin
 Paul M. Postal
 Pauline Jacobson
 Rebecca Larche Moreton
 Robert s. Belvin
 Robin Thelwall
 Ronnie Wilbur, Purdue Linguistics Program
 Rudolph Troike
 Russell Tomlin
 Sally McConnell-Ginet
 Sarah Ross
 Satoshi Oku
 Shanley Allen
 Sharon Obeidallah
 Shirley Silver
 Stavroula Tsiplakou
 Terry Langendoen
 Theo Vennemann
 Tokyo University of Foreign Studies - English Department
 Tom Milligan
 University of Edinburgh- Department of Linguistics
 - Plus 7 anonymous donors

SUPPORTERS ($50 to $100)

 Akira Ishikawa
 Alan H. Kim
 Alfredo Torrejon
 Alice Faber
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 Andy Kehler
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 Anna Bosch
 Anne Bezuidenhout
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 Ayako Yamagata
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 Belinda Bicknell
 Betty Phillips
 Bonnie D. Schwartz
 Boyd Davis
 Carmen Kelling
 Carol A. Klee
 Carolyn Sobel
 Catharina Kylander
 Catherine & Gerald Latham
 Catherine Rudin
 Cathy Rogers, Ph.D.
 Charles Gribble
 Charles Scott
 Chauncey C. Chu
 Christine Winskowski
 Christopher Johnson
 Claus D. Pusch
 Cornelia Tschichold
 Cory R C Sheedy
 Daniel Villa
 Deborah Anderson
 Department of Linguistics, University of Canterbury, New Zealand
 Diane Brentari
 Diane Massam, Yves Roberge
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 Doug Davidson
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 Elizabeth Cowper
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 Gail Stygall
 geoffrey nunberg
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 Giancarlo Buoiano
 Gilbert C. Rappaport
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 Graduate Students, Department of Linguistics, University of Toronto
 Grover Hudson
 Grover M. Hudson
 Heidi Harley
 Henrik J�rgensen
 Hidetoshi Shirai
 Humphrey P. van Polanen Petel
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 Karin Stromswold
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 Languages, Literatures, Linguistics at Syracuse University
 Larry LaFond
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 Meyer, Wolfgang J.
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 Northeastern University Linguistics Program
 Ocke-Schwen Bohn
 Patricia Cabredo Hofherr
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 Paul Kerswill
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 Ross Clark
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 Tomoko Yasutake
 Trudi A. Patterson
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 Virginia LoCastro
 Wally Anderson
 Wannie Carstens (on behalf of School of Languages, Potchefstroom University, South Africa)
 Yi-ching Su
 Zenzi M Griffin
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 - Plus 16 anonymous donors
DONORS (Up to $50)

 A.-M. Olsen
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 Tanja Collet --- University of Windsor
 Tanya Ivanova
 tim collett
 Tobias Thelen
 Tom Roeper
 Tomislav Stojanov, Zagreb, Croatia
 Ton van der Wouden
 Toshihiro Sugawara
 Tracey McHenry
 Uli Reich
 Umarani Pappuswamy
 Umberto Ansaldo
 Uri Horesh
 Ute Smit
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 Vic Ferreira, University of California, San Diego
 Victoria Anderson
 Victoria V�zquez Rozas
 Vieri Samek-Lodovici
 Vijayarani J. Fedson
 Viktor Tron
 Vincent De Rooij
 Violetta Cavalli-Sforza
 W. Keith Winkler
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 Zsuzsanna Fagyal
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 MIT Working Papers in Linguistics 
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